I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”
~ George Carlin
“If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?”
~ George Carlin
“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”
~ George Carlin
“As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.”
~ George Carlin
There are nights when the
wolves are silent and only the
moon howls.
George Carlin
Funny , Dark , Weather
Weather forecast for tonight:
dark.
George Carlin
Funny , Soul , Die
Frisbeetarianism is the belief
that when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets
stuck.
George Carlin
Anyone , Anybody , Idiot
Have you ever noticed that
anybody driving slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
Funny , Lightning , Organized
Electricity is really just organized
lightning.
George Carlin
Inside , Cynical , Idealist
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Thinking , Read, Older
I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then
it dawned on me – they’re
cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
Mean , Left, Cause
Just cause you got the monkey
off your back doesn’t mean the
circus has left town.
George Carlin
Time, Work, Dream
Some people see things that are
and ask, Why? Some people
dream of things that never were
and ask, Why not? Some people
have to go to work and don’t
have time for all that.
George Carlin
Pet , Petty , Sweat
Don’t sweat the petty things and
don’t pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Time, Enough , Job
The very existence of flame-
throwers proves that some time,
somewhere, someone said to
themselves, You know, I want to
set those people over there on
fire, but I’m just not close
enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
Care , Desperate
People who say they don’t care
what people think are usually
desperate to have people think
they don’t care what people
think.
George Carlin
Said , She , Purpose
I went to a bookstore and asked
the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the
self-help section?’ She said if she
told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
George Carlin
Reason , Talk, Accept
The reason I talk to myself is
that I’m the only one whose
answers I accept.
George Carlin
Says , Wonder, Impatient
When someone is impatient and
says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I
always wonder, How can that
be? How can you not have all
day?
George Carlin
Language, English, Sentence
‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest
sentence in the English
language. Could it be that ‘I do’
is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
Evil , House , Confused
May the forces of evil become
confused on the way to your
house.
George Carlin
Christmas , Bad , Girl
The main reason Santa is so jolly
is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
George Carlin
Future , Past , Present
There’s no present. There’s only
the immediate future and the
recent past.
George Carlin
Feeling , Eating , Chocolate
You know an odd feeling? Sitting
on the toilet eating a chocolate
candy bar.
George Carlin
Three , Floor, Tequila
One tequila, two tequila, three
tequila, floor.
George Carlin
Time, Death, Small
Death is caused by swallowing
small amounts of saliva over a
long period of time.
George Carlin
Authority, Pope
I have as much authority as the
Pope, I just don’t have as many
people who believe it.
George Carlin
Freedom , Fight, Fire
Well, if crime fighters fight crime
and fire fighters fight fire, what
do freedom fighters fight? They
never mention that part to us,
do they?
George Carlin
Not only do I not know what’s
going on, I wouldn’t know what
to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
When you’re born you get a
ticket to the freak show. When
you’re born in America, you get
a front row seat.
George Carlin
Alone , True, Rather
If it’s true that our species is
alone in the universe, then I’d
have to say the universe aimed
rather low and settled for very
little.
George Carlin
Realize , Listening, Relieved
I’m always relieved when
someone is delivering a eulogy
and I realize I’m listening to it.
George Carlin
Work , Money, Enough
Most people work just hard
enough not to get fired and get
paid just enough money not to
quit.
George Carlin
Good , Texas, Fewer
You know the good part about
all those executions in Texas?
Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
Lost , Memories , Disease
I think it would be interesting if
old people got anti-Alzheimer’s
disease where they slowly began
to recover other people’s lost
memories.
George Carlin
Religion, Mind, Control
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Atheism
Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
George Carlin
Work , Night , Light
When Thomas Edison worked
late into the night on the electric
light, he had to do it by gas lamp
or candle. I’m sure it made the
work seem that much more
urgent.
George Carlin
Guy, Group, Whose
I would never want to be a
member of a group whose
symbol was a guy nailed to two
pieces of wood.
George Carlin
Charge
If we could just find out who’s in
charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
Life , Hands , Step
When you step on the brakes
your life is in your foot’s hands.
George Carlin
Whatever , Next
Always do whatever’s next.
George Carlin
Death , Party , Dinner
At a formal dinner party, the
person nearest death should
always be seated closest to the
bathroom.
George Carlin
Funny , Left, Speaks
In comic strips, the person on
the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
Death , Enough , Together
I’m completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
My idea is that these two
institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them
together is certain death.
George Carlin
Beat , Beaten , Arrange
If you can’t beat them, arrange
to have them beaten.
George Carlin
Hell, Break , Concerned
I’m not concerned about all hell
breaking loose, but that a PART
of hell will break loose… it’ll be
much harder to detect.
George Carlin
Family, Nice , Night
The other night I ate at a real
nice family restaurant. Every
table had an argument going.
George Carlin
Travel , Mean
What does it mean to pre-
board? Do you get on before you
get on?
George Carlin
Another , Far , Audience
Standing ovations have become
far too commonplace. What we
need are ovations where the
audience members all punch
and kick one another.
George Carlin
Think off-center.
George Carlin
Time, Work, While
I think people should be allowed
to do anything they want. We
haven’t tried that for a while.
Maybe this time it’ll work.
George Carlin
Sure, Looks , Area
One can never know for sure
what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin
Communication, Truth , Language
By and large, language is a tool
for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor
and noticed he was located in
something called the
Professional Building. I felt
better right away.
George Carlin
Status , Sucks , Quo
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
Good , Fact, Next
Dusting is a good example of the
futility of trying to put things
right. As soon as you dust, the
fact of your next dusting has
already been established.
George Carlin
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